Without You
by Somebodyrescuemex
Summary: Bella lives the same day every day. Early mornings and late nights. School is relentless. She can't wait to get out. Until bad-boy Edward arrives from England. He turns her world upside down and discovers all her dark secrets. She's losing an internal battle that only Edward can save her from.
1. Chapter 1

The early morning sun shines brightly through my thin curtains, making me groan tiredly and throw a pillow across my face in an attempt to protect my eyes. It doesn't work. Throwing the pillow across the room, I moodily glance at the clock.

**7:34am**

Three hours is enough sleep to run a full school day on, right? Chuck in a few diet Cokes and I should be okay.  
Climbing out of my comfy bed all my muscles protest but I ignore them. I can't get away with another sicky. For one, my dad won't even believe I'm sick again and I doubt the school will either. I'll be dragged up to the doctors to get checked out before I can blink.

I don't like the doctors.  
I think everyone I know says the same thing, but I really, really don't like the doctors. They prod and poke and examine every inch of your body and I am not comfortable with that. It's my body, not their's for show.

It's a miracle I can even persuade Charlie not to take me up there when I fake being ill. What can I say - it's my puppy eyes. They get me out of trouble.

**8:01am**

I hate walking to school.  
It's not so much the walking, rather than the horrible Winter breeze that relentlessly chills you to the bone before you've even step foot out of your door. I like to wrap up for school.

There's the nasty orange bimbos that insist on turning up to school as if they were going to a nightclub. Short skirts and sleeveless tops in Winter. Don't even get me started on Summer. When the sun comes out they take it as an excuse to turn up practically in their bikinis. Seriously. Last year Tanya Denali decided on her swimwear and shorts as the temperature was 'pushing 100'. Hah, as if. It wasn't even in the thirties that day.

Laughter breaks me away from my thoughts.  
"Bella, hun, it's not even that cold today. Why are you wearing your thick jumper?"

It's Alice. Her laughter isn't harsh and her comments aren't either. She's sincerely asking me why I'm wearing a long sleeved jumper on a warm-ish day.

I smile at her as she joins me by my side. "I'm freezing," I tell her.  
It's not a lie - I am legitemetly freezing my ass off.

She shakes her head, her pretty silver earrings following the movement. She looks nice today. Skinny jeans and a vest top. I wish I could wear that.  
"How's Jasper?" I ask her before she can comment any further.

A wide grin takes over her face before she squeals excitedly. "Oh my God, Bella! He's the most charming, handsome, funny guy I've ever met!"

I grin slyly. "You said that about Alec too, last year."

She rolls her eyes. "He turned out to be an absoleute _knob_ but whatever. Jasper's amazing!"

If I had a drink, I would have spluttered it everywhere. "He's a _what?_"

Alice looks at me, puzzled, before realisation flashes through her eyes. "Oh! A knob!" she grins sweetly, "My cousin Edward is living with us for a while, and he's from England. He says it a lot."

Oh. Right. Edward from England, I remember her telling me about him. Apparantley he's gorgeous, mouthy, cocky and an all around bad guy. Having been kicked out of the last 3 schools he went to over the last year, his parents want to teach him a lesson and have sent him across the globe to a different country in order to sort him out.

"Has he given your parents a heart attack yet?" I tease, knowing just how strict Alice's parents are.

She smirks. "Just wait until he turns up to school and really starts causing trouble. They don't know what they've let themselves in for."

"He that bad?" I raise my eyebrows. Mr and Mrs Brandon have a reputation for being able to sort out the most rebellious of teenagers. They demand respect and there will be severe consequences if they don't get it. Just like when Mike Newton had a party two years ago when his parents were out of town. I could hear his music from my bedroom and I live five streets over. Alice's dad nearly had a conaray when he went over to demand it be turned down. Let's just say, Mike hasn't had a party since.

"So bad that they are willing to loosen my leash," she grins happily. I laugh with her as we enter the school gates.

**12:59pm**

It's lunchtime and I look like a lost puppy.  
Trailing around the canteen in search of Alice, I notice a group of her friends sat by the wall. I can't spot her dark pixie cut anywhere, so instead of sitting in silence with Alice's dear friends, I make my way outside.

The weather isn't too bad, but the wind is still sharp. Good job I'm wearing my jumper then.  
Despite the chilliness, there are a lot of people eating outside. I don't recognise anyone I could sit with - which isn't hard as I have around three friends - so I disapear around the back of the school.

Since I have such a miniscule group of friends, I often end up eating outside alone. When Alice isn't busy seducing her history teacher by serving lunchtime detentions, she makes me sit with her and her friends in the canteen. It's awkward, but it works. I sit in silence and they all talk about subjects that do not interest me whatsoever. Alice doesn't push me to join in the conversations, but she makes sure I'm okay. That's what I love about her. She knows when not to push me.

Since it's Monday and Alice has spent most of the weekend away from her favourite teacher - aside from last night, which I'll be hearing a full, detailed report on later - she'll most likely be serving a detention in his classroom. With the door locked.  
Because of her absence, I'll sit outside instead. In the cold. I don't mind.

Around the back of the school there's a small, sheltered area that I like to go to. It's inbetween the Science and the Maths block, where they were combined around twenty years ago. The builders did a half-assed job and didn't connect them properly, but I'm not complaining. It gives me somewhere to sit in peace.

Pushing away the large ferns that hide the entrance, I squeeze through the gap and into my cavern. It's dry as the roofs of the buildings connect overhead, sheltering it from the rain. Leaning against the dry, brick wall, I pull my bag into my lap and play with the zipper.

I'm so tired.

**2:40pm**

School's over.

I barely got through the day without collasping from exhaustion, but Emmett snuck a Coke into my locker sometime in the afternoon. We're not allowed caffinated drinks at school, so Em slips them into my locker when no one's around. Of course the sluts who wear their underwear as skirts flaunt coffee cups around school grounds without being caught, but whatever. It's more fun to play Mission Impossible with Em.

Emmett's older than I am, but only around a year or so. When he leaves school I'll cry. Him and Alice are practically my siblings, and when Em's gone I'll have to bring my own drinks.  
I met him at a park when I first moved here five years ago. I was upset over my parent's divorce and my mother's decision to send me to live with my father, wherever he decided to go. She didn't realise he wanted to move states, but the court case was already over and I was already on the plane to Forks.

I wasn't mad at my father for wanting to move away. It still hurt though.  
Emmett found me curled up at the top of the slide, trying not to cry. He made me laugh and gave me chocolate, so I decided I liked him. I liked his big bear hugs, too.

We used to meet up every week at the same park, at the top of the same slide. But then Emmett got too big to be able to climb up to the top as he decided he liked playing football and having muscles. It got him girls, he told me once.  
The meetings at the park became less frequent, but we still stayed close. Occasionally he'd see me in the corridor at school and he'd give me one of his massive bear hugs. He'd leave me cute little notes in my locker, and I knew he cared about me. He was my first friend here, even though he was older and we rarely saw each other.

**2:51pm**

Alice must have an afterschool detention, too. Wonder what she did that was so bad to require two detentions on the same day.  
Her and Jasper will get caught some day, they're too sloopy. Goo-goo eyes in class, romantic notes exchanged on classwork and numerous detentions.

She says it's a thrill, but whatever. To each their own.

School's empty now, I'm the last one waiting. As it's Monday everyone wants to get home straight away, get their homework done and go to sleep. Is that just me? Oh.  
Well, Alice has kept me waiting, but that means I won't run into anybody on the way home. I can walk the streets peacefully without being harassed by the mindless idiots that attend the same school.

I don't get harassed, per say. It's just that I'm quiet and don't really talk to anyone aside from Alice and Em. Being given partners in class is my worst nightmare, but I still speak polietly to my partner and get the work done. Usually they have little to say to me as they're only funny around their friends. Then again, my work gets high grades and as we're partners, so does theirs. They leave me to myself.

The classes without Alice are mindnumbing.  
I don't have my little pixie by my side to keep me awake, but I don't rely on her to be with me. I'm perfectly fine with being by myself. I'd rather be alone than talk to the idiots at that school. Especially those sluts. Ew.

**6:46pm**

I'm bored.

I've been asleep since the minute I got home, and I forced myself to finish my homework. The pieces that are due in tomorrow, anyway.  
Alice called but I told her I was too tired to go out. That's true. I really cannot bring myself to move from my bed. It's too comfy.

The house is empty. Charlie's at work, like always. It's just me. Like always.  
Oh well. I can deal with some quiet.

**12:46pm**

I can't sleep.

I've tossed and turned for three hours. It's useless.

Pulling out my laptop, I sigh. Another long night is ahead of me.


	2. Chapter 2

**7:53am**

It's only Tuesday and I'm already late for school. It's a good job Charlie starts work in the early hours of the morning, but I'm usually still awake then anyway.

With stiff limbs and aching muscles, I drag myself through my usual, rushed up routine. It's a wonder I even remembered to brush my teeth, I'm even more tired than usual. If I was part of the Blonde Barbie Bimbos I would be kicked out with the way I look today. My hair is massive as I backcombed it way too much in my rush to get ready, my lack of makeup shows off my sleepless nights perfectly and I'm sure I've got the same shirt as yesterday doesn't smell, thankfully.

I shove my eyeliner in my pocket as I pull on my coat, grabbing a Coke from the fridge as I barrell out of the door, barely remembering to lock up.

**8:11am**

I have four minutes to get to class and I'm currently around the corner from the school gates. I'm breathing heavily from my speed walking and my cheeks are flushed pink from the wind's chilled fingers.

I hate being late. Everyone stares as you walk in, and if you're late enough they send a message to your parents telling them you're absent. I don't want a lecture from Charlie about the importance of school. Again.  
He'll probably swap a few of his shifts around so he can personally wake me up and send me off to school. Maybe he'll even drive me there himself. Oh the shame of turning up to school in the police cruiser. My cheeks flame at the thought of it.

I make it through the gates with two minutes to spare.  
I take the steps two at a time and -  
"Ouch!"

Shit.

"I'm sorry!" I thrust my arms out in an attempt to stop the collision.  
The oncomer grabs onto my elbows to stop himself from falling head first down the stairs, and I hiss out in pain.  
Clear, green eyes look up startled at me before they cloud. He lets go of my arms immediatley.

"Watch where you're going," he says. My eyes widen. He's British.

"I'm sorry. I'm late." Just to prove a point, the school bell rings loud and clear above us.

He smirks, his full lips tilting higher on one side of his mouth, making his smirk look crooked.  
"Looks like you'll be joining me in detention."

My brows crease. "Why?"

His smirk gets wider. "They're giving them out to everyone who's late from now on. New policy."

My mouth drops open. "No!"

He laughs at my expression. "Knew you were a goody two shoes from the way you came charging up those steps."

I'm pouting, I know, but I can't help it. I can't have detention!

He raises his eyebrow. "Are you going to go to lesson or stay here and stare at me?"

I flush crimson before laughing nervously. He smirks one last time before descending the stairs. When he gets to the bottom, his phone rings loudly. "You're such a knob!" he yells into the receiver.  
I freeze.

He was Edward.

**12:54pm**

Alice doesn't have a detention today, so I'm sat with her.  
"Easy on the eyeliner hun, you look like a raccoon," she whispers to me, giggling.

I give her a smile and wipe my fingers under my eyes. After my encounter with Edward I'd gone to the bathrooms instead of registration to do my makeup. My cheeks tint as I think about his green eyes. They were so piercing and knowing. And so _green._

Alice nudges me and I internally cringe from the contact.  
"What's got you so colourful?" she teases.

"I ran into your cousin this morning," I tell her quietly, out of earshot of her giggling friends.

Her eyes widen. "And?"

"He's so goodlooking it hurts."

She giggles. "Right? If he wasn't my cousin..."

"And there was no Jasper..."

A dreamy expression crosses her face. "Oh Bella, did I tell you what happened in detention yesterday?"

I smile at her. "What did you get up to then?"

**1:40pm**

It's the end of lunch and the corridors are bustling. Keeping my head down, I watch my feet take me to my locker. Shielding myself with my books, I clutch onto them as I follow the crowd in front.

Opening my locker, I manage not to get jostled around too much. Swapping my books, I realise there's no Coke today. I sigh, pouting slightly. I am extremely tired today and I could've done with the caffeine.

"Bella baby!" someone yells as the corridor begins to thin out.

I turn and grin at the approaching figure. "Embo!" I say back, knowing he can hear me even though I don't raise my voice quite as much as he does.

Emmett scoops me up in a hug. "I was just about to bring your usual," he grins, swaying me. "I had practice so I didn't get chance earlier."

"It's about time, I'm shattered," I tease him.

He puts me down and examines my face. "You look it, babe. You need a good night's sleep."

I pout at him. "I know. Coke?" I poke his hard stomach and he sticks his tongue out at me. With him being so tall I barely even reach his shoulders, making me look up at him. He told me that he likes it when people have to look up at him once, he said it makes him feel powerful.  
Digging around in his bag, he produces a silver can.

"Only the best for the best," he winks as he hands it over.

"You're so cheesy," I tell him.

"It gets me the ladies," he winks again, a playful glint in his eye.

"Your muscles get you the ladies," I grin cheekily at him.

He narrows his eyes in mock anger. "You take that back right now, young lady!"

I giggle at him before taking a gulp of my drink.

He pouts at me, crossing his arms over his chest. "Are you saying my muscles are the only good thing about me?"

I nod blankly, playing along with his little game.

He sniffs dramatically, before spinning on his heel and retreating down the corridor.

"Love you!" I say loudly, grinning.

He looks back over his shoulder, grinning at me before blowing a kiss.

I smile to myself and shut my locker, finishing my drink on the way to class.

**4:56pm**

Alice wants me to go over to hers. Knowing Edward lives there now makes me hesitate, but I agree anyway.  
Leaving a note for Charlie in case he gets home before me, I start the walk over to Alice's.

It's raining and I'm soaked through by the time I arrive. Alice pulls the door open before I'm even on her porch and ushers me inside. "Take your stuff off, I'll put them on the radiator. I didn't realise it was chucking it down until you'd already set off. Sorry hun,"  
"It's fine," I tell her, "Rain won't kill me."

Draping my coat over the radiator, she pushes my equally soaked shoes under it, effectively drying them both.  
"Look at your jeans! They're sodden!" she sighs, putting her hands on her hips. "Mine will come halfway up your calves and I don't even think my mother wears jeans."

"She can wear a pair of mine," a British accent says from the top of the stairs. I look up and lock eyes with Edward.  
Even from faraway his eyes pierce mine, and I have to look away.

"Don't be stupid," Alice scolds, "They're way too big for her."

Edward smirks, walking down the steps. "I was going to go out, but I think I'll stay now."  
He grins at me, disapearing into the kitchen.

Alice raises her eyebrows at me before skipping up the steps. "I'll find you something, come on,"

With a quick glance towards the kitchen door, I follow her up to her room.

**8:32pm**

I've been at Alice's all afternoon and Edward has not reappeared. We have been holed up in Alice's room, but still. I haven't even heard him make any noise. Maybe he went out afterall, it stopped raining not long after I got here.

"You don't think my homework was up to standard, Mr Whitlock?" Alice giggles.  
She's on the phone. Again.

I shake my head at her and indicate I'm going to the toilet. She gives me a thumbs up before turning to face the window.

I hold my breath as I approach the bathroom. I hope Edward won't appear.

Pushing open the bathroom door, heat hits me straight in the face. Confused, I step in.

"What are you do-"

"Shit!"

I slam the door and rush back into Alice's room, where she looks at me funny.  
I throw myself onto Alice's bed, face down on the pillow. My cheeks are red with shame and embarassment is radiating from my body. I just walked in on Edward getting out of the shower.

Edward. In a towel.

I saw Edward in a towel. Just a towel.

Oh my.


	3. Chapter 3

**3:46am**

****The room is freezing cold. Even being curled up in my blankets does nothing to preserve my body heat, but I don't care anymore. I lay there, quietly shivering.

My mind won't turn off. So there I lay, staring blankly at the wall.

My eyelids refuse to get heavy.

I blink once. Twice. It hurts.

Letting out a small sigh, I clutch my body tighter.

**9:31am**

****School is excruciating. I haven't seen Alice or Emmett yet and I desperatley need cheering up. Today is a bad day.

I haven't seen Edward yet either.

Edward.

Just thinking of his name makes my cheeks flush. Not long after I ran into him last night I left. Alice was still deep in conversation with Mr Whitlock and I knew it was about to escalate into something my ears really didn't need to hear. So I left. Thankfully, Alice didn't cease her mindless giggling to question my abrupt exit and my burning cheeks and I didn't run into her cousin for a second time.

So I haven't seen him since I saw him... indecently.

My stomach tightens at the memory.

I look down at the table in front of me and sigh. I have never been affected by shirtless boys before. To be honest I've never seen a shirtless boy in the flesh before. Apart from Emmett on the few occassions I've watched him practice his football techniques in the park when he claimed it was 'too hot for clothes'. He tried to persuade me to join him, but he doesn't count. Not really. He's like my brother.

**1:03pm**

****Alice decided to behave in class today apparantley. So here she sits beside me in the canteen, deep in discussion with her friends about how Tanya Denali's new lipstick doesn't suit her. At all. I don't give any input, although I do agree with what they're saying. She looks like a witch.

"Are you gonna eat that?" Alice mutters, nodding her head at my untouched fries.

I shake my head.

"Have them," I tell her. She grins at me as I slide the tray over to her.

"You're the bestest friend I could've ever asked for."

"Because I gave you my fries?" I smile.

Alice nods enthusiastically before eating three in one go.

"Imagine if Mr Whitlock could see you now," I teased quietly so the other girls wouldn't hear.

Alice glared at me jokingly, chewing on her food.

I laughed silently before unscrewing my water bottle and taking a long drink.

That was when I noticed him watching me.

Edward.

He was sat across the room with a few of his friends. I didn't recognise them, but by the way they were dressed I could tell Edward had bonded with them immediatley. They all looked quite scary.

Edward noticed me looking at him and smirked at me before winking. I screwed the top back on my bottle before smiling shyly back at him and looking away.

My stomach was tied in knots and I had the sudden urge to get out. Get out of the canteen, away from Edward's smirking face and his scary looking friends and Alice's fake friends and everyone in this school. Out. I needed out.

I realised my hands were shaking slightly so I put them on my lap, hidden by the table. I didn't know what was wrong with me. But the feeling increased with every passing second. I need to get out of there.

The tips of my ears were burning and my hands were begin to shake more violently. Out. Get out.

My heart was racing and my breathing was turning shallow. Out. Get out.

My eyes darted around the room as the noise became louder. And louder. Shouts and screams roared in my ears as my eyes desperatley combed the room. People. People everywhere. Out. Get out.

I couldn't breathe. Out. Get out.

My whole body was beginning to shake by now. A cold, icy shiver ran up my spine. Out. Get out. Now.

I jumped up from the table. Without a word I ran towards the doors leading outside. People murmured and stared at me as I passed them. Whispering things about me, pointing at me, laughing at me. Why?

_Get out get out get out!_

I threw open the door. Cold air hit me right in the face but I didn't even blink. I needed to leave the school, get out and away from everyone in it, but I knew it wasn't possible. The gates were locked.

My breath came in shallow pants and the mantra repeated itself in my head, louder than the pounding in my ears.

_Get out get out get out!_

Racing around the corner, I knew where to go. My secret hiding place.

In seconds I was pushing away the damp ferns and burrowing into my cavern. My safe place.

I threw myself onto the ground, panting quietly. My hands clenched around the soil and I felt the damp dirt crawl into my fingernails, soak into the palm of my hands. I could feel my body shaking and I desperatley tried to control my breathing.

_One.. two.. three.. _I told myself, shouting over the pleas to get out. _I am out! _I yelled at myself.

_I'm out I'm out I'm out!_

My breathing slowed. Tears spang into my eyes.

My hands unclenched as I felt my body returning to normal.

_I'm out. _

With one last breath I sat up, leaning against the wall. My palms were covered in dirt but I couldn't bring myself to care. So I stayed there, slumped against the wall staring blankly at the wall in front of me.

I closed my eyes.

My heart beat still pounded in my ears, but it was slowly becoming quieter and quieter. My head felt heavy on my shoulders and exhaustion crept up on me. I wanted to go to sleep.

Just then, the ferns rustled.

My eyes snapped open.

"Are you okay?" came the smooth British accent.

_Edward._


	4. Chapter 4

_Edward was here. _

For a moment I just stared. Stared at him, unmoving. I couldn't seem to catch my breath.

He mirrored my actions, staring right back at me. He was waiting for my answer, but it didn't seem to come.

"Are you okay?" he repeated. His eyes were swirling with emotions yet were unreadable. The green pulled me in, and I couldn't look away. I was entraced. Lost in a sea of green.

Edward approached me, squatting down beside me so our faces were level.

"You don't look so good."

I managed a weak smile.

"Is that what you tell all the girls?" my voice was quiet.

He let out a breathy laugh at my attempt at a joke.

"I'm serious. You don't look well," he said. His eyes were so close to mine that I could see everything clearly. They were a forest green with a ring of lighter green around the pupil. They were beautiful.

"I'm fine," I told him.

He shook his head. "I don't believe you. What happened in there?"

"How did you find me?" I frowned. Nobody knew about this place but me.

"I followed you," he replied simply, as if this was an every day occurence.

I didn't reply.

We stayed in silence for a few moments. My breathing was back to normal, but I still took the liberty to control it.

_One.. two.. three.. _I chanted, _one.. two.. three.. _

"Do you want to go home?" Edward asked me.

Without looking at him I nodded. I needed to go home. To sleep. To wish away everything that had happened today. I knew right from the start it'd be a shitty day. I haven't seen Emmett either.

Emmett.

I hope he wasn't in the canteen. Football practice occassionally happens during a lunch break, especially when it's football season and there are games to prepare for. But it's not football season and Emmett doesn't need to prepare for any games. And with my luck, he was probably in the canteen.

He'll be worried about me.

He'll visit me tonight, too.

Maybe I'll get a decent nights sleep. Emmett's arms are warm and protective. I've had countless nights of sleep in Emmett's arms. That's usually when I get my best night's sleep.

"The gates are locked though," I say, looking at Edward. He smirks back at me.

"The one's around the back aren't," he tells me. "How do you think I manage to ditch?"

I raise my eyebrows. "You've ditched class already?"

"I've got a reputation to keep up sweetheart," he retorts.

I can't help but blush slightly at the nickname.

"Come on."

He stands up, outstretching a hand to help me up. I look at it, then back down at my filthy hands.

"It's just dirt," he says, shrugging.

I reach up and clasp my hand in his and he pulls me up gently. Leading me back out through the ferns he takes me around the school to the back gates. There are no students in sight which makes me guess the bell rung for the end of lunch. Alice will be panicking about my sudden exit. Especially if her cousin got up and followed me.

Edward reaches up and unbolts the gate easily. It creaks loudly. He ushers me through and bolts it back up again.

I stand on the sidewalk uncertainly, clutching onto my bag strap. Edward raises an eyebrow.

"You want company?"

I shrug.

"Do you live on the East or West side of school?" he asks.

I furrow my eyebrows in confusion. "East?" I ask more than say.

"It's quicker to cut through here, seeing as we're in the opposite direction to your house."

I nod as if I understand.

We walk home in silence. Edward keeps his hands in his pockets and his eyes straight forward. I kept my eyes downcast on my feet.

When we get to my house Edward watches me unlock the door and step inside before turning around and walking back where we came from. He doesn't say goodbye. He doesn't even wave. Or smile.

I watch him disapear around the corner before I shut the door. And lock it.

**5:57pm**

****Charlie hasn't come home yet.

He hasn't rung either, so I guess school hasn't contacted him about my sudden absence.

I'm sat crosslegged on the couch, watching the TV. It isn't even turned on.

But the silence is welcoming.

I keep my breathing controlled, terrified that I'll begin gasping again. If there's one thing I hate, it's not being able to breathe. The panic that sweeps over me terrifies me.

There's a short rap on the door.

Pulling myself up, I peer out of the window.

Emmett's here.

I quickly unlock the door to find him standing there, hopping from foot to foot looking very worried.

"Bella," he sighs with relief when he sees me. "Oh God, Bella you scared me to death."

He sweeps me up in a huge hug, which I gladly return. Tears spring into my eyes.

"I'm sorry," I gasp, "I'm so sorry I scared you."

"It's okay," he murmurs, smoothing down my hair, "It's okay. You're okay now."

I nod, burrowing my face into his shoulder.

He releases me from his hug. "Have you eaten yet?"

I bite my lip and shake my head. His eyes soften.

"Oh, Bella."

I drop my gaze, almost ashamed.

He shuts the door behind himself, turning the key to lock it. He kicks off his shoes and climbs the stairs. I follow him. In my room he crawls into my bed, spreading out the blankets that were in a ball at the bottom of the bed. I crawl in beside him. He pulls the blankets over us and wraps his arms around me. He's warm. And safe.

He kisses the top of my head once.

One, lone tear escapes, leaving a trail down my cheek. Emmett's breath is in my ear, quiet and even. He soothes me, like a father to his daughter.

"It's alright Bella. Cry. Let it all out," he says.

But I know I can't. I'm too exhausted. His body is too warm and I just want to go to sleep.

I let out a shaky breath.

"Sleep," Emmett whispers, holding me tighter.

I turn towards him, hiding my face in his chest. His warm chest. He reaches one hand up to stroke my hair comfortingly.

"I love you," I mumble.

"I love you too, Bella," he replies quietly, and I feel the rumble of his chest as he speaks.

My eyelids feel like lead and let them close.

**6:46am**

I'm too warm.

My neck aches and I know I must've spent another night wrapped around Emmett.

I lift my head to look at him.

His eyes are shut tightly and his lips are parted. Curly, brown hair falls across his forehead and the dimple on his right cheek is prominent.

His muscly arms are still wrapped tightly around me, protecting me.

My eyes feel puffy and I know I must have cried in my sleep.

Laying back down in Emmett's arms, I count each breath I take and watch his sleeping face.

**8:16am**

Emmett drove me to school.

Charlie wasn't around when we both got up, and I'm not even sure if he came home.

There was no sign of his cruiser or any evidence that he ate breakfast here.

Emmett didn't comment on this. He knows how it is.

Registration is full of blatant staring from my fellow students. Obviously they're thinking about yesterday. Some whisper about me. Some just glance. Whilst others just full out stare.

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding when the bell rings.

**1:00pm**

I don't go to the canteen. Even though I know Alice will be on the edge of a panic attack. I didn't answer any of her calls or texts last night and I haven't seen her this morning. I'm surprised she didn't come knocking the door down, but for all I know she could've. I slept deeply last night.

My cavern is empty, thankfully. I don't want Edward here.

I appreciate him helping me ditch school then walking me home, but I don't want his company. We haven't even addressed the fact I saw him coming out of the shower, which is still extremely embarassing to me.

I sit there until the bell rings.

I don't want to move.

Maybe I'll just stay here.

The warning bell rings.

I know I have to get to class.

Pushing aside the ferns, I hurry to class.

I don't want to be late. Everyone stares.

Like they have been doing all today.

**3:00pm**

****"Bella!" Alice cries. I spin around and see her running down the street to catch up to me. There is no one else on the pavement aside from us.

Alice comes to a stop infront of me, her eyes wide. "Bella! Oh my God, Bella, I was so worried about you!"

My forehead creases. "I'm sorry Alice, I really am."

She hugs me, squeezing me hard. I wince in pain.

"Bella, what happened yesterday?" she pulls back and grasps my arms. I wince in pain again, but she doesn't seem to notice.

"I don't know," I tell her. "I just... wanted to go home."

Her lips part. "Edward told me he walked you home. He ran out after you. People were asking loads of questions."

"Like what?" I ask.

"They think you're together," her eyes are wide. "Are you?"

"No!" I exclaim, "I barely know him! He followed me and told me that the back gates are unlocked. Then he walked me home and left. He didn't even say goodbye."

Alice's eyebrows crinkle. I shrug.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine."

"One hundred percent?"

"One hundred percent." I even manage a smile. It's unconvincing, but she takes it.

She smiles at me.

"Call me tonight," she says sternly, "I can't come over because my parents are having the neighbours over for dinner. But I'll sneak my phone under the table so I can text you." Her voice goes soft. "You worried me."

I drop my gaze. "I'm sorry."

She gives my arms a squeeze which makes me hiss under my breath. I can't blame her though, she doesn't know that by touching me she's hurting me. Only Emmett knows that. If anybody paid attention they'd realise that Emmett barely touches me. Aside from his great bear hugs, we have no contact. None in public anyway.

"I'll talk to you later."

I nod and watch as she crosses over the road in the direction of her house. I give her a wave before carrying on home. My left arm throbs slightly, but nothing I can't handle. I pull down the sleeves of my jumper, covering my hands.

I feel bad about not telling Alice. But I don't want to explain it twice. With Emmett it was a struggle, and it took a while for him to coax it out of me. But I trust him with my life. He is everything to me, but not romantically. Some of his friends think I'm his permenant booty call for whenever things with his on again off again girlfriend Rosalie goes sour. But this isn't the truth. There's nothing romantic about our relationship.

He's there for me, and I'm there for him.

He knows everything about me. Alice thinks she does too. I wish I could tell her. But the memories are too painful, to raw to bring up again. I'm ashamed of myself and what I do to myself. Emmett understands, he really does.

I don't know if Alice would understand. What if she didn't? What if she hated me for it? What if I lost my only other friend? That would be too painful for me to handle. I couldn't cope with that.

That's why I can't tell her. I can't.

I arrive home.

The lights are off and there isn't a car in the driveway. I'm alone again.

I wish Emmett was with me.

Or even Edward.


	5. Chapter 5

**7:17am**

Charlie's home. I can hear him bustling around in the kitchen downstairs. Funny, I never heard him come home, so he can't have been here long. I slowly get dressed and traipse downstairs.

Charlie is sat at the table reading a newspaper, a steaming plate of bacon and eggs before him. My nose crinkles at the greasy smell.

Charlie looks up. "I would've made you breakfast but I didn't know what time you woke up," he tells me. He's wearing his police chief uniform and his radio is firmly clipped to his breast pocket.

I shrug. "I'm not hungry anyway." He raises an eyebrow but goes back to his newspaper. I find a carton of orange juice in the fridge so I make myself a glass. I'm not sure whether to sit with Charlie or lean against the cupboard like I already am, but the crackle of the radio stops me. A man's voice speaks.

"Chief Swan I need you to get down to the public school, we have a situation with three male teenagers. Attempting to deface public property and are now refusing to follow our commands. Your backup is required." Charlie huffs and folds up his paper. He brings the radio up to his mouth and responds. "I'll be right there. Keep the hooligans under control."

The radio crackles as Charlie scoops up a few mouthfuls of his breakfast before scraping the leftovers into the bin. "Need a ride?" he grunts as he passes me, grabbing his keys from the counter. "No thanks." He nods before leaving, not bothering to lock the door. I hear his car start up and peel out of the driveway. I sigh.

**1:02pm**

"Edward's in trouble already," Alice informs me as we wait in line for food.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, got pulled up by the cops this morning. Him and two others were messing around, smoking and drawing all up the walls."

"Smoking?" I echo.

Alice grimaces. "He thinks I don't know, but his whole room reeks of it. I'm surprised my parents haven't clocked on."

We move forward in the line. I give a small smile. "Your parents bust his ass?"

Alice grins. "My mother was screaming bloody murder at him before I left. Your dad dropped him off, but I didn't hear much of what went on."

I nod. "Cha- dad left early to pick up three 'hooligans."

Alice snorts. "Is that what he called them?"

I grin at her as we reach the end of the line. Alice fills her tray whilst I pick up what looks like the healthiest options. But to be honest, everything looks like it's been soaked in the deepfryer. No wonder the head cook is bordering on 450 pounds. Alice glances at my tray but doesn't say anything. She's used to my small meals. She reckons I'm one of those people who can run on nearly empty and be perfectly fine. She can't see my figure in my oversized jumpers though.

**3:04pm**

The weather's getting warmer. The sun shyly peaks out from behind a fee clouds, casting a glow on me. I hate summer. Big, baggy jumpers are not acceptable in summer. And I sweat. Which is undeniably gross, but can't be helped.

As I turn the corner I spot a lone body perched on a wall. His head his down and there's a cigarette in his hand. My footsteps seem to get louder as I approach him and his head snaps up. Green eyes meet mine.

"Hi," I mutter before I can stop myself.

He takes a long drag of his smoke, inhaling deeply without looking away from my face. "Sweetheart," is his way of acknowledging me. I'm torn between thinking him smoking is disgusting or really hot. I'm leaning towards really hot, but it's still disgusting.

"What're you doing? I'd have thought Alice's parents would have grounded you."

He smiles and flicks his ash. "I snuck out."

"To sit on a wall?"

"I'm waiting for somebody."

"Oh." A silence falls over us. Edward takes one last drag and drops the butt on the floor.

"Chief Swan then, huh?" Edward says, his smirk turned up higher on one side of his mouth. I nod. "Never would've picked you as a cop's daughter."

My eyebrows crinkle. "What's that supposed to mean?"

His grin widens. "Whatever you want it to mean, sweetheart."

He winks at me before sliding off the wall. A car pulls up to the curb beside us and Edward climbs in. Music pumps from the car, the bass passing right through me. I can't see the driver. With a small salute from Edward, the car pulls away and drives off, the music getting quieter the further it gets. When it disappears around the corner I carry on walking home.

**8:49pm**

My stomach growls. I scowl at it. I'm so hungry. Charlie came home around four so I made him some dinner before he left again. He told me he was going to his friends house to watch the game so he wouldn't be home until late. Again. So the house is empty.

I'm tempted to call over Alice and Emmett but they're both likely to be busy. I heard Emmett is still with Rosalie for the time being and I know that Alice wanted to go shopping for some new clothes. So she'll probably be on her way back from Port Angeles. So I'm alone.

My stomach growls louder. The ache that's been there all day has gotten worse and there is a horrible hollow feeling in my stomach. I put down my book and go downstairs. In the kitchen I open all my cupboards but find nothing that I want to eat. It's all either too fatty, belongs to Charlie or it's out of date.

Charlie does the shopping every two weeks if I'm lucky. I'd offer to do it but being around all that food would make me feel queasy. In the back of the fridge is a huge chocolate cake. The icing has dripped off the sides onto the plate it is sat on. I feel sick just looking at it. But my hollow stomach begs me to take it out. So I do.

Placing it on the countertop, I pull away the clingfilm that is preserving it. My stomach cries and I feel sick. My breathing becomes short.

Pulling out a knife, I cut the first slice. The reason begin the cake doesn't even cross my mind as I take the first bite. The chocolate is sweet. Too sweet. But I take anoter bite. And another. Another. Until I've eaten the whole slice.

Tears fill my eyes as I cut a second. I feel like vomiting. But I eat the second slice. It's becoming hard to swallow, but I keep going. Fat tears run down my cheeks as I eat, and I know I can't stop now. My hands shake. A third slice. Gone. The fourth. Gone.

I eat and cry until the whole cake has gone. The plate is covered in crumbs. Chocolate icing covers the knife. I'm going to be sick.

I rush to the sink as the cake comes back up. Tears roll faster down my face and all I can smell is vomit and chocolate. I sob and sob as I lean over the sink. I'm a disgrace, I'm disgusting, I'm so fat. I ate the whole thing.

Curled over the sink, I start to splutter. I ate the whole thing. Thousands of calories, cups of sugar, grams of fatty butter. I sob harder. I need to get it out.

Desperately I claw at my throat, begging for the cake to leave my body. Again the putrid smell of vomit makes my eyes water and I cry harder. I am sickened by myself.

Soon enough my stomach is empty. I drop to the floor, my eyes heavy from the tears. I sniff, my throat sore. Tomorrow I won't be able to talk properly. I hug my knees and hide my face. This is how I sit for hours. Not moving, horrible thoughts running through my mind. My hands shake. I'm disgusting. Worthless. I can't even control myself around food, no wonder I'm so fat. No wonder nobody loves me. Not even my own father.

Again, I begin to sob. I cry myself out, until I can't cry anymore. I lay curled up on the kitchen floor, the empty plate and the chocolate covered knife taunting me. I think I fall asleep, but I'm not too sure. I just know it's morning when the light shines through the window and there's a key turning in the lock.


	6. Chapter 6

Charlie's work boots make a thud every time he steps. _Thud, thud, thud _as he walks down the hall.

I'm frozen in place. I can't move.

Charlie reaches the kitchen door. He pushes it open, and it's silence. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears, but that's it. I don't look up. I keep my position, curled up against myself.

The kitchen door closes. _Thud, thud, thud _as Charlie walks away.

I make a choked sound from the back of my throat.

My eyes are red raw for sure, and it's a struggle keeping them open. Fresh tears won't come, and there's a lump the size of an apple in my throat. I squeeze my eyes shut.

The cruiser starts up outside. The engine is unusually loud. I listen as it retreats out of the driveway and down the road. He's gone. Charlie's gone.

The tears come then. Loneliness wells up in my chest and I sob louder than I did last night. I am wailing. My face is pressed against the cold laminate floor. The sobs rack through my body, my shoulders shaking violently.

He left me. My own father left me here. Alone.

**10:10am**

Knocking. Someone's knocking at the door.

"Bella!"

More knocking.

"Bella, please!"

Knock, knock.

"Answer the door, please Bella."

Emmett's voice is strained now. Panicky and worried. Upset.

It's his last plea that gives me the strength to pull myself up and walk down the hall. The door is unlocked so Emmett mustn't have tried opening it.

I open the door and there he stands. Tall and broad. His blue eyes are wide and full of unshed tears. His curly hair is a mess, like he'd been running his hands through it. His whole expression is one of agony.

"Bella," he gasps and lunges forward. His arms encase me, strong and warm.

I can't speak. I just wrap my arms around him and bury my face.

"Bella, Bella," he murmurs. "I thought you'd-"

He doesn't finish his sentence. He doesn't need to.

A car pulls into my driveway, the tyres screeching. I don't recognise it, but Alice leaps out of the passenger seat, leaving the door wide open. She runs towards Emmett and I, her face pale white and worried.

"Bella, what happened?" she gasps, her eyes as wide as Emmett's.

Emmett pulls back and looks at my friend. "You're Alice?" he asks uncertainly.

Alice's eyebrows pull together. "Yes. How do you know Bella? What are you doing here? What- what..." she trails off, searching my face for answers, but I burrow it in Emmett's arm. He keeps a tight hold on me.

"Who's he?" Emmett asks, his voice still wavering.

"My cousin," Alice answers impatiently. My stomach drops. _No. _

"I need to look after Bella, so if you don't mind can you please leave?" Emmett attempts to be polite, but I know he just wants to tell them both to fuck off so he can comfort me. Even if Alice is meant to be my best friend, all I want right now is to be with Emmett. He knows what to say and do to make me feel better.

"I'm her best friend and I'm worried about her. I want to stay."

My grip on Emmett is so hard I'm surprised he hasn't flinched yet. But he stays put, his left arm winds around my neck, pulling me into his chest. My back is to Alice and Edward. I need it that way. They can't see me. They can't _know. _

"Bella's not... well," Emmett hesitates. "I need to make sure she's okay. I know about her, I know what to say to her."

"You know about her? I haven't even seen you two look at each other in school, what are you talking about?"

"Alice, trust me. I need you to leave, you're making Bella feel worse."

"I'm her best friend!" she cries, "How can I make her feel worse?"

Emmett huffs. "Can you go? Please?"

"Don't talk to her like that."

Edward's voice is stern. It makes me clutch onto Emmett impossibly tighter. I don't want to ever let go.

Alice's voice is softer. "I just want to know if she's okay."

Emmett shakes his head slightly. "She's not."

"How do you mean?" that's Edward.

I hate how they're discussing me like I'm not even there, but I don't have the willpower to speak up.

"She'll tell you if she can. But right now, I need to make her feel better, and this arguing is bound to make her feel worse. The fact we're talking about her like she's not here is probably pissing her off to no extent right now, so if you'll excuse me..."

Emmett the mind reader. He makes a move to close the front door.

"Wait!" Alice calls. "Bella?"

I don't lift my head up, but I'm listening.

"Call me tonight... please. I'm just so worried about you. I won't sleep until you do. You're my best friend, and I can't stand thinking that you're hurting and I don't know what's wrong. I love you."

The lump in my throat makes a comeback. I choke back sobs. I don't want to disappoint of one my only friends, and it kills me inside that I'm hiding half of who I am away from her. She doesn't know a thing about me - the real me. I don't want her to know. But she wants to know. She's my best friend and she loves me. She said so herself. She'll understand, won't she?

Emmett somehow understands the war raging inside my mind.

"Come in," he says quietly, and leads me into the living room. I hear the door close. Emmett sits down on the couch, pulling me into his lap. My face remains buried in the crook of his neck, my arm covering the side of my face that's exposed. I'm hidden.

I hear Alice sit down across from us.

Emmett strokes my hair comfortingly, like he always does. He soothes me, whispering sweet things into my hair. I don't know how long we sit there, but I finally muster up the courage to lift my head up.

Alice is perched on the edge of the opposite couch, her knuckles white where she's grasping her phone. She's biting her lip and her eyes are full of concern. She lets out a tiny gasp when she locks eyes with me.

I must look a sight.

"I'm sorry," I croak. My throat burns as I try to talk. "I'm sorry I worried you. Both of you," I look up at Em. His eyes are bloodshot and he gives me a tiny smile.

"Did you..." Emmett can't finish his sentence. He struggles to keep his face composed, but I know he's about to start crying. He was there the last four times this happened. It's the one thing that tears him apart the most, due to his late Aunt who suffered like I do.

I nod my head once, slightly.

His face crumples.

"Don't cry," I beg, my eyes filling up themselves. "Please don't cry over me."

My voice is a hoarse whisper.

Emmett bites his lip hard, holding back his sobs.

"What did you do?" Alice whispers.

Neither of us can speak.

"Look in the kitchen," Edward says quietly.

My eyes snap up to his. He's standing in the doorway, his face pale and his eyes glassy. He drops my gaze after a second.

_He's disgusted_.

My breath is caught in my throat. Alice looks stunned, but slowly and silently stands up and disappears out of the door. Edward watches her go.

Emmett is shaking slightly, his face pressed against mine. I know how much he wishes we were alone so he could cry alongside me.

Alice reappears. "Oh, Bella," she says mutely.

I can't take her sympathy. I don't want her sympathy. She doesn't understand. Neither of them do. Her nor Edward. They're both disgusted by me. Disappointed. They think I'm a freak. A weirdo. Pathetic. They're going to hate me. They are, they are. I know it.

I can't cry anymore. I have no tears left.

A sudden wave of exhaustion falls over me. I'm too warm in Emmett's arms. A deep flush creeps its way up my body, and the sick aching feeling comes back to my stomach. Dizziness sweeps over me and my surroundings swirl. I can barely hear Alice call my name. Or Edward call it.

They feel sorry for me. They're disgusted. I know it.

A loud buzzing rings in my ears before darkness encases me.


	7. Chapter 7

I don't know what time it is.

It must be dark outside, my curtains are pulled shut. The light from the hallway shines through the doorway, allowing me to see. I'm alone.

My hair hangs limp around my face. My lips are dry and cracked. My eyes are sore. My throat burns with each breath. My chest is heavy.

Silently, I slide a hair bobble off the wooden drawers beside my bed and tie my hair up on top of my head. I rub my eyes slowly and crawl out of bed. The covers are screwed up and tossed aside. My eyes protest at the sudden light as I creep onto the hallway, holding my breath.

The silence buzzes in my ears.

I take the steps slowly. One step. Then two. Three. The fourth. Until I'm at the bottom. The lights are off, but the kitchen light is on. I push open the door. It creaks.

At the table sits all three of them. Emmett, Alice and Edward. They all look up at me.

Emmett lets out a breath.

Alice is shaking.

Edward just stares.

I look at the floor.

A chair draws back. Arms are wrapped around me. Sobs. Alice's sobs.

I hug her back but I'm empty. Numb. I feel nothing. No guilt, no shame, no remorse. Nothing.

Alice pulls back. Her eyes are red and her cheeks are stained with trails of tears. She sniffs, and I know she wants to say something but she can't get her words out. I'm grateful. I don't want her pity. I don't want her apologies.

She didn't do anything.

Emmett approaches us. "You should go now, Alice," he tells her, his voice gruff.

She nods once, her eyes never leaving mine. Then she takes my chin in her hand and gives me a watery smile.

I swallow.

She lets go. With one last glance she moves past me, along the hallway and to the door. I hear it open then close a second later.

Edward slides past me. He takes hold of my wrist in passing and gives it a gentle squeeze. I cringe and snatch it back. His eyes snap to mine.

"Sorry," he mumbles.

His eyes are glazed over, almost like he's some place else. His lips are a thin line and his jaw is clenched.

I nod once. I can't make myself speak.

"I'll see you... Sometime."

I nod again and he's gone.

I turn to Emmett. He lets out a breath again.

"They insisted on staying," he begins, "Wouldn't leave until you woke up."

My eyes find the floor.

"They're good people. They care about you."

I don't answer.

He takes my hand and places it over his heart.

"I care about you."

I look at him.

His eyes are bloodshot from crying.

"I know," I tell him, my voice raspy, "I care about you."

"That's why I need you to get help."

I stiffen. He feels it.

"Bella. This has been going on for as long as I've known you. I care so much about you and I can't lose you. Especially not the same way I lost my Aunt. You know that. I need you to get better Bella, for me and for you."

My lips part but no words come out. Emmett continues, his eyes wide and pleading.

"You're my best friend and I wouldn't stop loving you for the world. You're not like anyone I've ever known. I need you to survive this... this _disorder, _those disorders that are tormenting you. Tonight was the last straw for me, I can't sit back and watch you starve yourself and make yourself sick and cut your beautiful body, and _hate _yourself any more. I don't want you to hate yourself."

He starts crying.

"Anyone would be lucky to have you in their life, but you don't allow it. You don't think you're worthy of friendship, other than the allowance of me and Alice. Hate consumes you, but it shouldn't. You need to love yourself like I love you. You need to learn to do that. I want you to be able to go to school and smile for once, to speak to people and make friends without hating every second. I want you to be able to sleep soundly at night without using pills. I want you to _eat. _For Gods' sake Bella you need to eat. You're skin and bones. You hide under your baggy clothes so people don't notice, but they _do. _They know how skinny you are, they know you don't eat anything. And if you do, you throw up. And you can't control it. I want you to be able to control the monster inside you that taunts you. That makes you sick after you eat. And the monster that makes you cut yourself. What makes you ruin your body and cause you even more pain. I need you to be able to control that. To make it go away. I don't want you to hurt any more, Bella."

Emmett's words slice at me like a whip. He's had enough. Enough of me.

He doesn't want to put up with me any more.

He's done.

Tears fall down my face, although I didn't think I had any left.

My body feels numb but my heart is aching.

"You're done with me?" I ask, my voice barely a whisper.

"I'm done with the monster inside of you."

"That monster is _me!_" I shriek, pulling out of his grasp. "I'm the monster you're talking about! It's me who's sick in the head! It's me who can't control herself! It's me Emmett! I'm the fucking monster!"

I scream and I scream and I scream.

I push over the table in the hallway and it falls down with a crash. A lamp goes down with it. Then I'm clawing at the walls, yanking down framed photos of me when I was younger. When I was happy.

The glass holding the photographs is smashed.

A picture of me and Charlie nine years ago is on the floor. One of me at a ballet recital from ten years ago joins it. Every single photo that was on that wall is on the floor, where they belong. Broken and a mess.

I scream and shriek at Emmett who stands in the doorway watching me, waiting for me to stop. He's still crying.

"Don't cry!" I yell, "Don't cry over me! I'm not worth your tears!"

I hit my palms against the wall. I'm sobbing and I can't stop.

My forehead is against the wall. My eyes are screwed shut but the tears are still coming.

I sink to my knees, my hands in fists above my head.

"I'm not worth it Emmett," I shake my head, "Not worth the pain."

He sits next to me. I can feel his presence.

"That's not true," he whispers.

I choke out a sob. "It is. It's true. My own father thinks it. I'm worthless. That's all I'll ever be."

Emmett doesn't say anything.

I push away from the wall and turn to lean against it, sitting beside Emmett. I close my eyes.

I listen to him breath.

One, two... three, one, two... three


	8. Chapter 8

**6:37am**

****I know it's this time because I'm watching the clock.

The hands move tortuously around its face, a never ending cycle.

**6:38am**

I need to get out of bed, but I don't want to.

I don't need school.

I don't need Alice or Edward either.

After yesterday I don't want to face them again. They _know._

**6:39am**

Emmett stayed with me until about two in the morning. Whenever I fell asleep. He stayed until then to leave me in case I did something to hurt myself. He told me that.

I trace the marks along my arm. Some are scabbing, most are healed. Long, pink lines that are stained into my flesh forever. But I don't mind.

A car door slams shut outside my window.

Two knocks on the door.

Not Charlie then.

I ignore them. If it was Emmett the knocking would be more persistent, or he would be shouting my name.

It mustn't be important.

But they don't go away.

Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.

I close my eyes and smile to myself.

**6:45am**

The knocker hasn't gone away yet. So I drag myself out of bed and go downstairs.

I haven't looked in a mirror for two days and I don't want to.

I unlock the door and open it.

"Why didn't you answer the door?"

His British accent sounds worried.

"I was... sleeping," I lie, reaching up to rub my eyes in pretence.

Edward doesn't look convinced. He's standing with his feet apart, his hand cupping his elbow and his eyes downcast. He doesn't look like he's had a wash in a couple of days, but I have no room to judge. Neither have I.

"Look, about last night-"

"Don't worry about it," I cut him off.

His eyes jump to mine but I look away.

"I don't want to have this conversation with you on my front porch. I don't really want this conversation at all."

He looks frustrated. He tugs at his hair with his left hand.

"Bella, can I come in?" he asks, biting his lip.

I hesitate for a moment, but I open the door wider.

He slips inside and I close the door. I take in a deep breath before leading him to the living room, where he immediately sits down on the couch.

I take a seat on the other.

He rests his clasped hands on his knees and doesn't take his eyes off the carpet.

"I had a girlfriend like you before. Back in England," he looks at me but looks away after a second. "She... hurt herself. I thought I could help her. Last year she... she killed herself."

I don't say a word.

"She was broken. Like you."

I look at him. His jaw is tight.

"You couldn't fix her," I state quietly.

He shakes his head. After a couple of seconds he adds, "I tried. I really fucking tried. But it wasn't enough. I couldn't make her see."

"See what?"

He looks right at me then, and his gaze is intense. "See that she was loved. Not only by me, but by everyone around her. She was enchanting, even when she was hollow. She could fake it just right, but I knew she was hurting. She let me in. But only for a little while."

His voice softens. "She didn't believe what I said. Told me I was lying to her. She screamed at me, she told me to leave her alone. She didn't want me, she said."

I watch his fingers as they curl around each other tightly.

"I almost went mad. I thought I lost her." he's silent for a long while, then he speaks up. "And then I really did lose her."

I breathe out.

"She... killed herself," I say.

He nods. "Shot herself right in the head. She died instantly."

His face is clouded with emotion, but I don't want to see him cry.

"So you came here."

He nods again.

"I wanted to forget."

"You don't forget something like that."

He shakes his head.

"...No. You don't."

It's silent.

I cannot possibly imagine this boy - this beautiful boy - loving a broken creature. Like me, he says. Someone suicidal, someone who hates their every being. But he did. He loved her and he tried to fix her. And now he's haunted with the thought that he didn't do enough. That he didn't save her.

No one could've saved her broken soul.

"You remind me of her," he says.

A broken, empty shell. That's what he thinks of me.

"When I first saw you, I knew you were like her. You hid yourself away from everybody, but I could see it in your eyes."

He looks straight at me.

"Your empty brown eyes. They tell me everything."

This time, I don't look away.

"You're broken, and I want to fix you."

So does Emmett. Emmett wants me to get help, to destroy the monster. And Edward wants to pick up the broken shards and sellotape me back together. Slide all the pieces together like a jigsaw and hope that they stay.

But the pieces won't stay. The monster refuses to be destroyed.

I shake my head.

"I can't be fixed."

"That's what she said to me, when I told her the same thing. But I won't let you die, Bella. I won't let you destroy yourself."

His eyes are gleaming. His green, green eyes that are staring right into mine, telling me that he's here.

He wants to help me.

**12:52pm**

****I didn't go to school after all.

When Edward left I stayed in the living room, hugging my legs. My thoughts are whirling through my head, telling me that I need to listen to Emmett and Edward, begging for me to get help, to be fixed. But some thoughts are telling me what I've always known. That I'm worthless. I can't be fixed. I can't get better.

I don't even know what better is.

All I've known is what I am now.

I can't remember a time when I wasn't like this.

I can look at photographs from when I was younger but I barely recognise myself. I remember distant memories of a happier time, but they're just that. Distant.

Do you want to feel happy?

What is happy?

I think of the students at school. Are they happy? They smile. They laugh. They look like they're having a good time.

What makes them that way?

They eat food, they wear bright colours. They talk eagerly and non-stop. They listen to music, loud, happy music that blares from their headphones.

Parties. Many, many parties.

Some even play sports. In gym class when their team has won a game, they're happy. Even the losing team is happy. Happier than me.

So this is what makes them happy?

Things I will never find happiness in. I dread the thought of food, and my clothes are dark shades. I only talk to two people, and they're more than willing to take control of the conversation. Music. I barely listen to it. And a party? No chance. Just the thought of having to be in contact with that many people makes my heart race and I'd never receive an invitation anyway. I exercise sometimes. Take a run around the block or swim in the lake, but it doesn't make me feel any different.

Maybe I'm not cut out for happiness.

Maybe I was destined to be sad.

Just a sad soul.


End file.
